We’re the first human civilization that is able to switch off and on the world whenever an individual desires to do so. Believe me, each one of us have the power to do so. It’s as easy as turning off or on your mobile phone. If it’s off, the world outside immediately dissappears, taking with it all the people, all the stories, everything that you know about what is going on beyond the walls of your house, the bounds of your city and country. Because if you get disconnected from the Internet, you also cease to exist for the world and for the rest of people. They’re too used to live connected they wouldn’t try to reach any other way like calling you on the phone or showing up at your home. And that’s what I’m going to do now, I’m gonna switch off the world for a while.
Why I would like to do so? Well, the truth is that I haven’t been feeling ok for quite a while now, and I feel I need some time just for myself so I can rest. I don’t want to know anything about anyone, and that’s not because people in my life are all bad, but there’re certain situations I don’t want to cope with right now. I just don’t have will to manage them now and I’m saying this like if I could do anything about them. They don’t depend on me, that’s why I want to stay away and come back when things turn better for me. Yes, what I’m trying to say is that I’m going to hide in my bed while I wait for the storm to finish and that is a good thing to do when you can’t do anything to make the storm stop.
The other reason why I want to stay apart from the world temporarily is that I’ve recently taken a hard decision on a person I love and I need some time to get used to how this decision is gonna affect my future and to mobilize enough will to be capable of executing this decision when the time comes. Things aren’t going to be easy, and now I see my future lonelier than ever and I feel hopeless about that, but I’ve started to think that’s better than to be suffering for a nonsense, for someone’s whim.
And, finally, I want to switch off the world because I’m really sad and tired. I think I’ve never been this down before. I almost can’t feel anything, I can’t force me to do anything, like if I had been stripped of my will. I burnt days fighting myself to get my work done, but I just can’t. I lose concentration all the time and that bothers me. I feel my life is now drifting, that I’m not capable of achieving anything, that I’ve already seen everything. That I’ve tried my best and I’m not enough and I never will. And around me people keep living their lives with emotion like if they really believed what they’re doing has a meaning, they have other people that care about them, they’re capable of loving and being loved, not like me. And I can’t stand it. I’m a pale shadow, totally replaceable compared to them. That’s the last reason why I want to hide. Like if I didn’t exist.
During others hard times I’ve been about to switch off the world, but this is the first time I’m gonna do it. I think I’m gonna start to feel better this next days. See you when I come back.
It's not perfection, it's just me. 