Berlin!

I’ve wanted to visit this city since I was twelve and watched a documentary about it at my grandmom’s home. Finally, I’ve been there this September 🙂 I’m thinking of moving there…

 

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What is love?

It was midnight, but it seemed incredible, judging by how quickly the last hours had passed. The window of the room was open, and through it the cold wind of the dying summer nights of mid-September was coming in. Only the dim light of the bedside table and the one in the kitchen lit the room. On the kitchen table, your dinner, you had just bit once, was getting cold. I had eaten my portion, and as soon as I had finished I had returned to bed to comfort you while you slept with narrowed eyes on me. It was easy, I just had to caress your face, give you a kiss on the cheek or the lips and hug you. In the silence, only the sound of your heavy breathing was heard. Suddenly, I noticed that something new had happened in the room without me having realized until then. While stroking your skin, I had felt a timid warmth in my chest that wasn’t there before. I was frightened, fearing that by having put my attention on it I could make it hide again, fearful. But I checked it again and there it was, inside my heart. I caught it with my conscience, like a child catching a dragonfly to put it in a boat, and I looked at it. It was more solid and stable than the last few times, more and more frequently, I’d noticed its presence. Slowly, all my feelings were getting back to me, with your help. I let his warmth move me and fill me with the sweetest weakness as I laid beside you, resting my head on your chest, while your hand sought mine. And then it seemed absurd to me wanting anything more than you. I felt all I wanted was to love you and to take care of you.

Sometimes you don’t have to complicate your life. What is love? Someone told me that it’s about two people who care about each other and try to give to each other what they need. Someone told me that it’s to die in the Other to find oneself. I know that if I died for you, you’d take care of me. I feel that I owe you the same. There is nothing else. It must be love. At last.

A truth I could love

Death dominates life. Living is just a concatenation of small deaths that culminates in absolute and irreversible death. It may be something that goes unnoticed, we may not even be aware of it, but we ourselves also die many times over the course of our lives. In twenty years, there won’t be even the slightest vestige of the person we are in the present. Time and experience will erode all our ideas, all our feelings, will deform what we are until we can’t recognize ourselves. But the paths of fate intertwine and sometimes lead us back to where we started and we can talk to the ghosts of what we were. And you take me back to a person I was and loved, whom I tried to save by all means until I had to resign myself to abandon her and let her die. You pronounce her name and talk about the old dreams, the old hopes, promises that she thought had been extinguished in the confusion of the world, to raise her out of her tomb, back to life.

In your eyes I see what I was clearly reflected: I see my own feelings, my own fears, my own pain, my own hopes that you now project in me and to that vision my heart trembles and moves, engendering something new that wants to be born and grow because of the simple tenderness of your love and the loyalty it gives off. Then I think that reality can also be wrong. Maybe I rushed. You are the reason enough to feel an illusion that I never thought I’d feel again, and I strive to remove the soil that buries faith and trust as fast as my hands allow me while I forget the causes of their death. But I buried them many meters under the ground and, although I try to protect you from their transient absence, I don’t always manage to do it. I’m so sorry for you, for not being able to protect you from suffering because of something that is not your fault. However, the desire to protect you is a sign that I care.

There’re so many things I’d like to say to you, but language is so imperfect and limited that it can never accurately express what passes through the vague nebula of my mind. Or maybe I’m just afraid of sounding too strange. In any case, I remain silent and try to discover what is hidden beyond what you let me see, what you keep, what you project, the imprint left on you by the world, the contradictions, the unnecessary complexities, defenses, excuses and conventions that blur what you are ultimately and I seem to glimpse the light of your truth, kind and sensitive. A truth I could love.

 

Last time we spoke

I like to sing this song everyday when I come back home. Somehow, it brings me some comfort.

When you called
your voice was so grave,
I knew it would be
the last time we spoke

You said something
that I couldn’t bear
to hear with my own ears,
the last time we spoke

And it’s a hard time
trying to get through,
all the days that drag on
thinking about you

Nothing hurts
like someone who knows
everything about you
leaving you behind

And it’s a hard time
trying to get through,
all the days that drag on
thinking about you

When you called
you might as well have killed me
and that was the last time,
the last time we spoke

From Blinking Lights and Other Revelations (2005) by Eels

You’re finally gone

The first thing I think about when I wake up everyday is that you’re gone. The last thing I think every nigth before falling asleep is that you’re gone. In between those two thoughts, I manage to get out of bed and get stuff done. I’d be lying if I told that I’m depressed or sad. I used to think that leaving you would be a million times worse that it’s actually being. I miss you so much it could kill me, that’s true, but I can bear whit that risk. I love you and the last thing in the world that I’d like to do is what I’m doing: abandoning you. But you’ve left me with no other choice. It’s you or me. It was me or she. And you never chose, so finanlly I had to do it on your place. It’s been some time since a part of me has been growing more powerful, pushing me to grow up and forget about this story.

To stand firm on my decision, I try to ‘convince’ myself that you have died and, despites I want it so much, there’s no way you’re coming back because death is irreversible. The only problem with that trick is that I have to see you every single day in front of my eyes. I try to think that the person I see is not the real you, the person I used to know, but a double someone has put in your place after your death. And that’s how I survive minute by minute. Trying not to think much about the things that united us, the ideas, thoughts and experiences we had in common, the happy days we spent together. At least I could spend some time with you, at least I knew what it is like to feel close to someone, at least I came to know everything about human heart. But it’s hard to stay apart and see how you go back slowly to the place you should have never come out from, where I cannot reach you, where you belong to the others. Anyway it’s more important the arrival than the goodbye.

I’m changing again. I think I’m a complete adult now. There’s no trace of the innoncence I carried with me. Something has died deep inside of my soul with you. It’s the end of an era, the end of the person I was. And sometimes I wish I could go back in time and be that person again, I wish I could skip to the beginning and live it all over again. But I can’t. When I met you years ago, I felt like I could make an effort to know someone, to let him into my life, because I feared loneliness. Now, I’m not afraid of loneliness anymore. That is the fact that scares me the most: it seems to me I don’t need anyone, anymore.

Before I forgot it, I didn’t tell you when I said goodbye to you that I love you. I’m not sure in which form, I think love is always the same. I wish things could have been different. I wish I didn’t have to leave you this way.

 

 

Switching off the world

We’re the first human civilization that is able to switch off and on the world whenever an individual desires to do so. Believe me, each one of us have the power to do so. It’s as easy as turning off or on your mobile phone. If it’s off, the world outside immediately dissappears, taking with it all the people, all the stories, everything that you know about what is going on beyond the walls of your house, the bounds of your city and country. Because if you get disconnected from the Internet, you also cease to exist for the world and for the rest of people. They’re too used to live connected they wouldn’t try to reach any other way like calling you on the phone or showing up at your home. And that’s what I’m going to do now, I’m gonna switch off the world for a while.

Why I would like to do so? Well, the truth is that I haven’t been feeling ok for quite a while now, and I feel I need some time just for myself so I can rest. I don’t want to know anything about anyone, and that’s not because people in my life are all bad, but there’re certain situations I don’t want to cope with right now. I just don’t have will to manage them now and I’m saying this like if I could do anything about them. They don’t depend on me, that’s why I want to stay away and come back when things turn better for me. Yes, what I’m trying to say is that I’m going to hide in my bed while I wait for the storm to finish and that is a good thing to do when you can’t do anything to make the storm stop.

The other reason why I want to stay apart from the world temporarily is that I’ve recently taken a hard decision on a person I love and I need some time to get used to how this decision is gonna affect my future and to mobilize enough will to be capable of executing this decision when the time comes. Things aren’t going to be easy, and now I see my future lonelier than ever and I feel hopeless about that, but I’ve started to think that’s better than to be suffering for a nonsense, for someone’s whim.

And, finally, I want to switch off the world because I’m really sad and tired. I think I’ve never been this down before. I almost can’t feel anything, I can’t force me to do anything, like if I had been stripped of my will. I burnt days fighting myself to get my work done, but I just can’t. I lose concentration all the time and that bothers me. I feel my life is now drifting, that I’m not capable of achieving anything, that I’ve already seen everything. That I’ve tried my best and I’m not enough and I never will. And around me people keep living their lives with emotion like if they really believed what they’re doing has a meaning, they have other people that care about them, they’re capable of loving and being loved, not like me. And I can’t stand it. I’m a pale shadow, totally replaceable compared to them. That’s the last reason why I want to hide. Like if I didn’t exist.

During others hard times I’ve been about to switch off the world, but this is the first time I’m gonna do it. I think I’m gonna start to feel better this next days. See you when I come back.