I lack a feeling, a piece of my heart . I’m so used to this feeling of loss that I don’t even notice it, only when I stop to think about it, when I start thinking about this disconnection , about why I feel so alone. That’s when I get aware of that broken I have tried to sew and patch many times , but has always broken the seams.
For some it is considered one of the most necessary feelings to humans , one is most essential for their development and happiness : the sense of belonging , of being accepted, being part of something, of having a home . And it’s precisely what I lack . I’ve never felt part of a group , I’ve never been part of anything . Maybe sometime I experienced it for a few fleeting seconds where suddenly the pieces fit and somewhere deep in my mind someone whispered : ” This is what I ‘ve missed so much .” But despite knowing about this lack , I can’t do anything about it , I can never , it is too late for me. Loneliness and isolation feelings have been constant in my life for so long that I have assimilated them to my individual identity , so that , if they disappeared , I would blur, couldn’t tell who I am anymore, and that’s worse than living with the absence .
On the other hand , my defense of a radical individualism and my love for independence have made me develope a strange distrust about any type of community or group , and I’m reluctant to join them because, for that to be possible, it is always necessary to sacrifice some of our individual identity in favor of the group , something that goes against my principles and, therefore , I’m not willing to do. So I guess the fault is my own.
And , reflecting on all this, I have come to the conclusion that I will never find a place for me .
Since I was quite young, my dream has always been to run away, go away , where nobody knows me to start from scratch, getting it right and be happy. ” Getting it right ” is a cliché, really don’t know what I did wrong. Many times I’ve wondered why this need to escape , and I think is because I’ve never considered any place as my home, I’ve never felt no attachment to it , never felt the need to return , I do not feel part of it or its people, there is nothing which ties me there . And all human beings need something to tie them, a reason to return and not always walk adrift. I ‘ve never had. Or maybe yes, but it has never been as it should.
So I guess my fate is to wander all my life from one place to another, looking for a place for me , a place I’ll never find , because the problem is not the site , the problem is in me , and is irreversible. I can go from one place to another , I can begin again a thousand times to always end up in the same outcome : realizing that it is not my home and wondering what I made wrong this time . An infinite loop.
It has happened again . I remember just a year ago I wrote a post here about the new life I was about to begin , wondering if this time I’d find my place or not. I’ve failed again . Although at first I thought I was finally at home and I felt quite happy, now I realize that not, that I don’t belong here , and I will depart again when I’ll be able to. I’ve realized the only thing capable of bound me to a place is a person who becomes important to me, but anyway there are times when I just have to walk away. I remember when years ago I thought about another place that it could be like home to me, but it was just because the person I loved back then was there, when he was gone, nothing of that feeling remained. So perhaps people only can find a home in the heart of the person they love.