I had forgiven you for tricking me again
But I have been tricked again
Into forgiving you
What is this?? Are you some kind of hypnotist??
Waving your powers around, the sun eclipse behind the cloud…

I thought I recognized your face
Amongst all of those strangers
But I am the stranger now
Amongst all of the recognized
What is this?? Are you some kind of hypnotist??
Waving your powers around, the sun eclipse behind the cloud

“Are you a hypnotist?”  from Yoshimi battles the pink robots (2002) by The Flaming Lips

Today, it’s been the morning of magicians. Because, when I’ve waken up, I couldn’t remember what is love and what is hate, and why did it matter, because maybe love is just a waste.

This weekend I’ve come back town. It’s the first time in months I felt like going home and staying with my family. Maybe it was just because I needed a safe place but the truth is that, surprinsingly, today I was feeling good enough. I was kind of happy, carefree. And I don’t have any clue about why is this. I may be becoming mad.

So, when I’ve got up, I was kind of happy and I’ve had chocolate for breakfast. Then I’ve been listening to metal (Nightwish’s Once), but it didn’t fit much with my mood, so I’ve changed to The Flaming Lips’ Yoshimi battles the pink robots, a great album that I highly recommend. I could relate perfectly to some of the songs. Then, I’ve spent the rest of the day programming, following my plan of bury myself in work again so I don’t have time to think about other things, coming back to that world created by me and where I feel secure, but not alive. Anyway, programming is amusing.

Then, today Carnaval was celebrated in my town, so that my parents have asked me if I wanted to join them and go out to see the customes. I shouldn’t have agreed, because I knew I was going to get depressed, but I’ve accepted. And, as expected, I’ve started to feel down. I was sad because the hole I had in my heart, that stupid void. And, after what’s happenned to my best friend, I was kind of disgusted . The story about her is that she was going out with a simple man that didn’t care about her, never asked her about the things she liked, the things she didn’t liked, what she thinks of life or not. He seems to just want to smooch her.  He left her in the phone. And that sucks. She’s told me about that she hasn’t found a true connection with anyone, and she’s tired to try, wondering if it’s something wrong with her. And I have fear the same happens to me.

And now again there’s a hole in my heart, I feel lonely.  That’s what I was thinking about while my parents were talking to my dad’s coworker and his wife, in the Carnaval. Until he’s asked me:

-How is it going for you?

-Good.

-Do you enjoy living in the city?

-Of course.

And that’s been all. Then, the coworker’s daughter has approached us to say something to her mother. She went to school with me for some years, but she hasn’t even noticed me, looked at me,  said “Hello”. Me neither. As I was thinking the other day, no one cares about anyone. Then she’s gone away with her boyfriend, another simple man. But she looked much happier than I’ll ever be.

Suddenly, between all that simple people from my town, I was sixteen again, feeling isolated, lonely, like a ghost, a pale shadow, hanging around with my parents or alone in my room, studying. The phone never rang, no one was thinking of me. Even I’ve held my father’s arm, like I used to. I’m too grown up to do it, but it’s so comforting. I’ve never met a man with such a kind heart like my father. You can step on him a hundred times and then asked him for help when you need it, he won’t deny you. He’s never denied anyone. And I think I’m just like him. A fool, some will say. But I don’t care, my conscience is calm. He can’t understand me, but I know he would take down the moon and the stars if that would make me happy.

When we’ve come back, I’ve had a shower and then kept on programming.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWui3la2VZM

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