Today I was feeling bad, so an hour on how wonderful our programming project is gonna be (of course, I’m being sarcastic), has been enough to get me down. Or maybe I was intended to feel down anyway because I suspect that something is going wrong.

So that when I’ve arrived home, I was depressed. And the ice cube I’ve had as lunch (it hadn’t defreezed properly) hasn’t helped me. Of course I’ve heated it in the microwave, but the result hasn’t been much better. Then I’ve started reading a book about simplicity, clarity and generality when writing code, it wasn’t very exciting. I thought about reading more about data structures, but I didn’t feel like programming, what was worrying. But anyway, I don’t know why it seems I just program better at night. Then I thougt about keep on reading Hesse’s Demian, but I didn’t feel like either. And that was more worrying. A see the headache coming, so, as there wasn’t nothing at home I was  willing to do, I decided to go out for a walk. Then I would have something to write about here.

Sometimes I like to feel cold, to feel my nose becoming red, to feel how it turns more difficult to move the muscles of the face, how my fingertips lose sensibility, my legs and clothes freezing. The air I breath burns my lungs, and my heart and mind slow down, the wind clears my forehead. I was thinking about all this while walking down the street. I have felt tempted to go to the library, but then I’ve continued walking up, to the train station. People passed by my side as I tried to guess the way they are just looking at their faces. I’ve passed the faculty of Philosophy. When I was approaching the station, I’ve left the principal street to get into some secondary. Then, suddenly, I’ve stopped hearing the murmur of the people. For some acoustic phenomenon unkown to me, in that place, a little lower, the sounds of the highways get stronger, silencing the crowd. Apart from that, there wasn’t a single soul around there, so it seems that suddenly I was kilometeres ago from civilization. It was like if my head was under the water. I was walking so slowly, until I’ve got to an old building. Then an image has crossed my mind. Before, the building was covered by a lot of climbing plants, giving it an air of neglect,  but now there wasn’t a sign of them.  When I’ve looked more carefully, have noticed some rests of the plants on the white walls. So, they had been there, after all. It seemed it had been yesterday, but it hadn’t. I guess that yesterday has become today really fast. I counted the months… four. Four months of what was going to be the year of our lifes. And it’s not anymore. I just needed two days to figure it out. What has changed? Anything, just the places. I still feel the same, although my mind and mysefl have changed a bit. But since when have brain power over the heart? I didn’t want to get to the same old conclussions again and I didn’t want to drown, so I got my head out of the water and joint the main street again. All back to normal.

I was thinking about where I should go, because I didn’t want to come back home. That’s when I see again the Faculty of Philosophy, and decided to visit it. Because I like Philosophy and because I was freezing.  Although the building doesn’t seem very cozy, once you’re inside it’s not that bad. And, actually, it is huge. I’ve walk down the principal corridor and it’s taken me about four or five minutes. I’ve noticed some differences from my faculty. There were more information about cultural events. “Kafka in love”. And, on the boards were written words like ‘revolution’ and other political stuff. Then, I’ve realized that I was looking for the library, but in a map have seen that it was in a another building, besides the station. While I was walking back to the hall, someone has called me.

– Jessica?

I’ve held my head. It was Andrea. I had forgotten she studies there.

– Hey, hi. – I’ve tried to smile, but the muscles of my face were frozen becuase of the cold and my head was still under the water, so I guess I’ve just made a feint.

-What are you doing here? – she’s asked, puzzled.

-Nothing, I was just wandering around and decided to come in – I’ve answered, a bit uncomfortable.

-How are you?

-Good, and you? – I wish she wouldn’t have notice it was a lie.

-Not bad… I’ve started classes today, what a drag…

– Yeah, I guess – that hasn’t sounded much convincing – I started yesterday.

Then we talked a bit about exams and other stuff. We say goodbye with a “I’m glad to see you/Me too”. That time my smile has been better.  And that is all. But it’s made me feel a bit better, although it only has lasted until I’ve reached the exit door.

Then I’ve went to the library, but it was evident I was lost there, and after going up and down some stairs, I’ve finally found the reading room. Judging by the number of shelves, it was clear I wasn’t going to find the philosophy books that easily, and I didn’t want to look it up in a computer or ask, so I’ve just wandered around for a while and then have gone back to my place. Then, I’ve written all this.


2 thoughts on “Cold

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