3:30 AM.

I can’t sleep… again. My eyes feel like they’re going to burn, my head is overwhelmed. Thousands of thoughts and images are being transfered from one neuron to another, chaotically. I’m dying to sleep, but it won’t stop. What is happening? I though I knew the answer and I just had to find it but, now, once I’ve found that answer, it only has led me to more difficult questions. And the more I think, the less I understand. My last hope failed, and I don’t have any left. My master plan crashed into the wall. I have fear. Fear of yesterday and fear of tomorrow. For the first time in my life, future can do what it has never been able to: scare me. For the first time in my life, past can do what it has never been able to: catch me. I feel I’ve been running with my eyes blinded, trying to not look back. But I was describing a circle and now I’m at the begginning again. Well, I’m even a bit backwards from the point where I started. I waste my life waiting… for what? For something unknown, because I don’t have any idea about what the hell I’m waiting for. I say to myself: “Calm down and be patient, it will come. Maybe tomorrow”.  But it won’t because I don’t know what I’m looking for. I sacrifice today’s happiness for future’s happiness, but who can guarantee to me that the future will exist? And I feel every moment slips through my fingers, lost forever. I think I’m wasting my time and my life. I sit here thinking that someone would come and fix things up, but that is childish. It will never happen. I’ve been here before and I’ve walked this path, but I’m tired. No matter the sooner I get up, it seems God has closed for holidays. And I can’t even sleep…

4:00AM

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