She liked driving at night. More exactly, she thought she would like driving at night, because she’s never tried. The speed, the dark, the lights of the other cars, the music filling the silence…
Her father were driving them home. Both of them were quiet, they didn’t talk. Actually, she rarely talked to her father about important things. Some other person would think that then they didn’t know each other very well just judging by their relationship, but it wasn’t true at all. They didn’t need to talk because both of them were the same way, they could understand each other and words weren’t necesary.
The radio was tuned to a rock station. They were approaching the village. A new song started to sound. Maybe it was ‘Speed of light’. She turned up the volume and looked away through the window, letting her go inside her mind, getting lost in her thoughts and soon be drowning in the current of her thinking. The moon was up in the sky. Venus was at its right, shining. She always got blue when she looked to the sky at night, felt a kind of longing because she couldn’t stop time and keep that instant forever. She rested her head in the car seat and then her thoughts flew away.
-Are you falling asleep?- asked her father.
-No- she answered, bothered by the interruption.
– Then, what are you thinking about?
-Nothing- she lied and moved in her seat. She had completely lost the curse of her thoughts and didn’t feel like starting again. The moment was over.
As they entered the village by the principal street, she felt a strange sensation of irreality. The town was decorated with all the Christmas lights and stuff, in the same way it was for the summer celebrations. And it seems to her time hadn’t passed since then. Or that time had passed so quickly, because in a moment a lot of memories of the summer came to her mind, as vivid as if they would have been engraving in her mind yesterday.
Before leaving town to start her new life, she had thought sadly that, when she came back, she wouldn’t be the same person who left. The places and people there will remain the same, but not herself. And it seemed to her that in that moment, by watching the Christmas lights, she had just realized that it’s happened. She wasn’t the same person anymore. She had become a new self. Autumn was the season when things happened, was a season for change, and during that autumn, a lot of things had made a difference for her forever. During some time, she thought she was waking up to life, she felt comfortable with her life for just the first time, future seemed nice and she got great expectations in what had to come. The obnoxious sensation that she was wasting her life, the emptiness had almost dissappeared. If someone would have asked her, she would have answered that she was happy, a little happy, but enough. Life smiled at her. She had tried to forget the past during that time, to pretend that it had never existed, to erase all those memories quickly and hold on to her brand new hopes. But now she wasn’t that sure. All had turned to dust in her hands. And the past, with its misery, still remained. Now it seemed that days had passed but her life had stayed on hold. Now she couldn’t close her eyes to her past.
What had changed inside of her? And when? She didn’t know. But she didn’t feel like herself, she was a new person. She had just left behind all of her fantasies and ideas about the world and go out into it. Had left behind a version of herself forever. For a while she had been the owner of her own life. Simply, she wasn’t a child anymore. A part of herself that still loved the child, closed her eyes to this fact, but couldn’t help that something inside of her would died in that moment, with a little pain. And that was all, a little pain and you’ve said goodbye to many chapters of your story.
That night, when she was in bed, she cried for her old self, the life she’s left behind, for the future that was uncertain, for the cold she felt not in her body, but in her soul, for her.